handstories

Floating & Flow

    This was started in the few quiet moments of last weekend, in between hours of this...

    Blue Angels.  They roar over our house for four days- two of them practicing, and then two days of shows for Seattle's Seafair every August.  One of the silver linings of the pandemic was the event being cancelled for two years, but they came back.  They can be seen out of any window in the house.  Sometimes so low that you can make out the writing on the sides.  The house shakes, my brain shakes, the cat runs.

    We went to the co-op to escape.  The display of currants beside apples and strawberries was beautiful.

"An Exuberance"

    Fresh indigo dyed silk on Tina's midnight purple above Deb's fiery cloth.  It felt like a party.

    And this one, started yesterday.  Often it all comes down to what scraps are scattered closest.  It began with the pink arc.  I was thinking rainbow, but then went looking for a moon.  This is one of Jude's, beneath a starry gift also from her... and then the two small scraps by Deb and Maiwa were within reach...

    Sometimes everything finds each other, reaches out and connects in ways that feel outside of me, a kind of floating into place.

Many kinds of stories

"Maybe a Lot of Things"

    I'm liking these longer cloths lately.  Space for more layers of the story, but not overwhelming.

    We went to Oregon for the weekend.  To visit family.  I spent most of the days with my mom.  Her days are so different now, without her husband, or the need to care for him.  There is so much time in a day when life suddenly empties of all you know. 

    We spent some time driving through my hometown (she lives in the city next-door now).  We stopped by to visit her best friend, who still lives next door to the house that I grew up in from age five until 18, when I left home.  The photo above is how it looks now.  It feels too wide open and lifeless to me.  My bedroom was there at the top.  I used to crawl out onto the roof on summer evenings.

    This is how it was... (photo taken as it was being sold when I was 24).  Blue (Mom's choice), the split log fence Mom built to keep us and the neighbor kids from riding our bikes over the corner, and the two big trees on either side of the corner.  A lot happened in that house.  Seeing it makes me want to weep from many kinds of sadness.

    When all of the leaves were picked off, the indigo stems were put into water.  Look at all of the new leaves!  They continue to grow above the stitching table among small stories- the ship in a bottle (it appeared when I was cleaning off my shelves to leave my teaching job), a bluebird from Blue, a clay "piece of mind" made by Moon when I told him I wish I had "peace of mind". 

    In the works, with a moon from Jude.  What goes under the arch, I'm not sure yet? It feels like a place where stories might meet.

Some things I've seen & done

    A week ago I was at The Gorge Amphitheatre for the Lumineers concert.  Two and half hours of driving each way, 27,000+ people, 93°... NOT the kind of thing I do.  BUT, it was with a good friend, who had bought the tickets pre-pandemic, and invited me.  ALSO, my cousin is part of their crew (that's him in the shadows below).  We hardly knew each other growing up but connected instantly at the gathering for my dad a few years back.

    Her tickets were for a spot on the grass on the upper hillside, which would have been fine.  Luckily, my cousin arranged for us to hang out in the VIP lounge with cold drinks, food and air conditioning, and then with him in the band/crew catering tent with more air conditioning and a beautiful view of the gorge.  When the sun was setting and cooling, and the opening acts were done, we followed him through the backside of the stage to the seats that he had arranged- 12th row aisle!  The show was great, and seeing my cousin was even better.  Such a nice, smart and cool guy, and family. 

    We got home at 2:30 am.  It was worth it, but I may be getting too old for this sort of thing!

    Stitching- things are slowly happening (three weeks post covid focus is still hard).  Little things make me really happy.  The way the Threadcrumbs moon color reflect Deb's cloth below.  And that thin scrap of pink cloth that was tangled in the thread basket that wanted to become a hill/arch/rainbow...

    And the hot pink scrap of Tina's dye work that balanced out the top edge.
“Alchemy in Moonlight”

Breathing room

    Still playing with the shiny new fabric.  Paired here with Deb and Tina's colors.

    These days the noisy jay fights for territory with these two.

    They sit outside my window yelling at the world, too.

    Twinkle also wrestles for space.

    Dentist appointment yesterday.  All kinds of too much.  (I talked about some of my teeth issues here.)  First the driving, something I rarely do these days.  Half an hour there, forty-five minutes back- some traffic lights were out from the wind, stop and go freeways, a few "PEOPLE!" exclamations were flung (and maybe a couple of other words).

    Approaching the dentist office, which is just off of a strip kind of a road, there were a couple of women crossing the street.  Women who make their livings walking the strip.  One was wearing a mask.  A new meaning for the term "safe sex".  The other woman made me do a double take.  She had no pants on.  A top, a jacket, and a thong.  She must have been cold in the wind.

    At the dentist- they all are very nice, but too many interactions, too many questions, "Do you want x-rays this time?"  "Fluoride?"  "Polishing?"...  I heard myself saying no to everything.  I just wanted out.  She did talk me into the x-rays, but I drew a line and refused to get the full panel one.  The regular x-ray led to discovering an issue, something needs replaced.  "Do I have to think about it today?"  No.  They didn't push.  They realized I had reached my limit.

    I was so glad to get home and stitch...breathe.  This piece, with its Threadcrumb moon, helped to center things again.

"Elsewhere"

Considerations

"Moon Life"

    There were some days with family in Oregon this week.  So much storytelling happens when we're together.  My brother is great at the "gotcha" ones, just like Dad was.  There was a comforting happy comment from K, who said that if something ever happens to me, he'll need to spend more time with my sister, "I love watching the two of you, you're so much alike, and so funny together!"  We are a funny group.  At least we think so.

 

    I stitched myself into a starry corner with this piece, it seemed there were never going to be enough stars to fill the space I wanted covered.  I was seeing stars in the end.

 

"Sky Spells"

    There is no memory of where the textured cloth at the top came from.  It's silk, I think.  Is it considered seersucker?  I think the indigo was my doing.  So much is lost in (or out of) my head anymore.   

    I want to learn how to talk about making more, and need to, as I've just committed to doing it for a zoom hour next March.  My reaction to the request was the usual:  Flattered, sure that I didn't have anything worth sharing and couldn't possibly, panic, wondering how to graciously say "No, thank you", wishing that I could pull myself together to do such things... and on and on.  All of the usual well-practiced and repeated, fear-based things.

    The only thing that I did differently was to recognize that there is a middle place between yes and no, besides fear...  Maybe.  Possibly.

    My reply held questions, concerns, and a confession to never having done this before and not being sure how.  The response was warm and reassuring.  Realizing that I am tired of saying no out of fear, I wrote right back with a shaky "Yes."

    There is a notebook, once used for Moon's "Spanish 1, Ms. Perez, P-3" class, abandoned a few pages in, that now also has the word "Zoom" written on it.  It's where things that might be of interest to other stitchers are being written down as I work.  "Jude" and "The Circle Community" are a few of the first words.  

    Friends and therapist have reassured, "Just tell your stories..."

"In Her Dreams"

A Rainbow Forest

    Where does the time go?  To plumbing (fingers crossed that it's finally over and the jack hammer NEVER returns), birthday, fetching Moon from college to home for his spring break, trip to Oregon to visit family, hayfever meds, ...

    A blue moon birthday cloth with a Threadcrumb moon, bits of Deb G.'s indigo silk and Deb L.'s dyeing in the moon, a patch of cloth leftover from Blue's baby quilt, and the top right piece is cyanotype fabric that had seed beads scattered on it while being exposed.

    A birthday selfie à la Jude.  Unlike Jude, I stepped into the shadows of the bathroom (where the only mirrors are.  Somebody really should wash that mirror, and repaint everything, especially the poor old door).

    There's been some stitching on that quilt that was started last fall.  It was nice to spend some hours with it, long lines of not so small stitches.  It's almost time to extend it with more cloth weaving.  I am going about this quite cattywampusly, making it up as I go, and not caring one whit.

    I'm not sure if it was the birthday distractions, the traveling, or the start of hay fever season, but when all of the finished pieces for Thursday's shop update were gathered, I was surprised to see a small forest of tokens.  I don't remember making this many!  I do remember thinking how great they are for experimenting with color combinations and a way to try new (uncomfortable) colors (I'm talking to you, Yellow).  Tina and Deb's rainbow cloths and threads make it easy to step out of the comfort zone.

    More color play while listening to this free workshop.  There is much to love about color wheels.

"Holding Home"

    The houses are still coming...

"Together They Glowed"

    There's something that I'm trying to get at...  Trusting that I'll know when I get there.

Conjuring

    There was an idea for a piece, another one with stones, it seemed like a good one... Not.  I stitched and restitched, ripped out, tried again, and was left with three little stones in the middle that looked more like Easter eggs.  I threw in into the hills of cloth on my table (where it has since disappeared).  And then this piece of Deb's stormy cloth called out, wanting to share a sky with one of Jude's moons...

    It was a moody weekend.  Plenty of feeling sorry for myself, but also knowing that I was fine.  We've got a system for doing the laundry now.  At twenty-four minutes into a load- be there with three buckets for about 20 minutes.  Do not run the first bucket out the door.  Set it on the floor until the third bucket has begun, and then run...  I tell myself how lucky I am to not have to use a washboard or wringer.

    This cloth is about creating connections and spells for yourself.  

    Finding ways to intersect with what's happening and reach for what might.

  Everything leaning on and into each other.  I loved making this piece.

"We Conjure What We Can"

    This piece and others will be in the shop this Friday (March 4th, noon Seattle time). Fifty percent of the sales will be donated to the International Rescue Committee.

    Sky magic last night.

    And more stars today...

Forward...

"The Night's Blue Magic"

    Regarding taxes- I hate feeling stupid, it helped that K (an accounting major) wasn't able to figure out the problem either.  A very patient soul, on the other end of the state taxes helpline, held my hand and walked me through the issue.  Notes were taken, in hopes that next year might be the one without tax tears (a person can dream).

    The ER bill arrived yesterday.  I can't even wrap my head around how those numbers are real?  How is this ok?  Combined with the plumbing work, what an expensive month January was.  Today I am just being grateful that we have resources and am moving on...

    Maybe because of this, I'm working harder at being disciplined with my time and stitching.  Routines work for me, so I'm trying to keep to a schedule. This is mostly easy, because I love it.  Now, if only some headway on the business side of things can be made.  Not so easy, but it will be better in the long run if I can just sit down and make myself figure some things out.  I also need to make myself get up and stretch more!

"Hesper" Tree Token

    A piece of all of this is thinking of stitching as a job, which plays mind games on me, spinning me back and forth between joy and weirdness, and even some guilt (or is it old shame?).  I worry about losing my way in it all, losing the heart of it, about valuing myself, about not being who people might think I am.

    With all of the recent trips to Oregon, time with family, I finally pushed myself to talk about my stitching, to call it "My Work" out loud.  Things about it were brought to share for the first time- pieces, the Stitch-illo book, etc.  It was hard to put myself on display with faces looking back at me.  Good and bad comments undo me.  It's fascinating and feels like drowning at the same time.

    My brother (who uses the words "I'm sorry" to begin most sentences) said, "I'm sorry, but they really feel like watercolors to me."

    "That's a wonderful thing to say, thank you!" His words filled me with joy.

    Onward...

 

"Where Dreams Begin"

    With admiration and thanks for Deb, Tina and Jude for sharing their gifts of and with cloth and thread (among other things!).

One stitch at a time...

    Well, here we are, another week plus gone by, and a month's worth of things going on.

    Post-Thanksgiving was spent in the basement.  A clog, overflow, old old plumbing to deal with.  After 115 years, it appears that the old clay mainline is preparing to give up the ghost, along with various other issues where it connects with the house.  Two days and several thousand dollars later we were able to wash, flush, etc. again.  It definitely dampened (ha, ha) Moon's first visit home since he left for college.   There is a next, more involved step to take- getting the mainline lined.  Which will mean many many more dollars.  A number so big that I may have swooned a bit when the guy showed it to me.

    We reacted for a couple of days, but we are moving forward now.  Actually, we're putting it all on pause until January.  Trusting that it will all work out.  Somehow.  The last few days have been spent cleaning up the aftermath, a carload to donations, washing and mopping up.  And a lot of stitching- for centering, and for income... to help to pay the piper (pipe-r, get it?!).

    Getting ready for bed last night, K. said something crazy.  I watched him realize how ridiculous his words were midway through his sentence.  It was so silly that I started laughing before he was done.  (He did, too.)  I laughed and laughed, unable to stop.  Gosh, that felt great.

    There are other happenings, too, but there are stories to stitch.

    Onward!

    (P.S. There will be a shop update on Friday, December 3rd, 9am Seattle time.)

Many moons

    Appointments, family in Oregon, and stitching have occupied the last couple of weeks.  Things are good for the most part, but definitely lacking a rhythm.

   The long overdue appointments (due to the changes in insurance over the last year and a half) were surprisingly uneventful.  My eye prescription hasn't changed in eleven years (I still can't see the small E's or the big one).  Even the dentist gave no news (which is good news!), in spite of my diet of black tea and red wine over the last chunk of time.

    The morning paintings hit a wall.  Rhythm had become Rules because of my inner control issues.  Being bossed around (even by myself), tends to lead to fighting back or stopping.

    Pushing through, there were a few stutters.  Not knowing what or where to go.

    I think I'm just going to paint and play with color for a while... see how that goes.

    The therapist has often said to just "sit with it."  Recently, I was saying that I just don't know what to do next?  Or if there even is a next? 

    "Just keep doing the work," she said.  Another version of sitting with it.  Not my comfort zone, but she's probably right.

    So, I'm trying to find small ways to challenge myself.  Layering old ideas into something new, hopefully.

    There was a long phone call with Blue this afternoon.  He's 23 now, still in Michigan, and such a good guy.  I miss him.  I told him about a tricky situation/relationship, and then asked him what he thought I should do?  He had great insights, advice and a sense of humor about it all (I can take some credit for that last trait).  It was a gift of a conversation, not just the nitty-gritty of the topic, but knowing that we can be adults together, trusting each other.  A new layer to our story.