handstories

More cake, rope & a boat

    This year's birthday season came to a close last night with German chocolate cake made by Moon and a family visit with virtual Blue.

    A new boat, sailing into, or with, springtime.

    I had forgotten some of the rope story...  It all started with this photo and a text from my brother to my sisters and me last April.  What you need to know:  My dad's name was Pat, both of them were in the volunteer fire department of our hometown, my brother's son (D) is now in one in his town, and that my family likes to tell stories.  Here's my brother's in his somewhat edited words...

    "Ok, good morning, prepare for some rambling, or delete now...  Couldn't sleep so have been cleaning shop since 5am and drinking COFFEE.  Weather has been 68-74 the last 10 days and thank goodness it's raining today- makes this quarantine more bearable?  At least it feels ok to sit in/at home.  Shop's clean, drawers organized, and drill bits all sharpened.

    "I said rambling right?  When I resigned from the fire department in February, after 35 years, I cleaned out my turnout pockets, came home and tossed it all in box."  ("turnouts" are what fire fighters call their uniform pants tucked into boots, partially turned inside out, with suspenders dangling on the sides, all standing ready to be stepped into and pulled on quickly.)

    "This morning in my puttering, I mean cleaning, I found I needed a section of rope to hang my gnomes on.  The ones I kept from Pat's (Dad's), as the original rope had rotted away (see photo).  I recalled my "turnout rope" (see photo).  Now you ask what is a turnout rope? 

    "Always carry a piece of rope in your turnouts, that way you'll have it when you need it," Pat-ism (Dad had A LOT of sayings).  To tie off a ladder, a hose or whatever.  On one call Pat borrowed my rope (guess who didn't have his), tied open a door, and let it get burned up when we were pulled out of the structure.

    So I proceeded to give him crap about my rope... And where was his rope?  We know who lost mine, etc.... 

    One drill night in a classroom, he sat and end braided a new section of rope.  Not quite half the class watched him- fascinated as they had never seen end braiding and they still weren't sure why or what he was doing?  Near the end of class Pat came over to me, in front of everyone, and handed it to me.

    "Your f---ing rope, don't lose it again!"  A good laugh.  It's still with me.

    It seems funny, I carried that simple piece of rope and used it Many times for 33 years.  I'll never need it for turnouts again.... Can't decide whether to hang the gnomes with it or....  D. can't use it as now everyone carries synthetic webbing....whatever.

    See rambling....simple things that somehow make us tick."

    Love this rope more and more.
 

Waterside gifts

    Dad's birthday was/is (?) the day before mine.  Something that I both loved and hated growing up.  Things were often tangled for me because of it.  The feelings about it all continued into adulthood, making the days leading up to my birthday hard (especially for those around me).  This year was the second one without him, it turns out that my pre-birthday angst doesn't require his physical presence.

    Those who know me best are used to it.  At least this year I saw it coming, headed most of it off at the pass by saying "Yes!" and "No." as needed and wanted, and in the end it was much shorter and less of everything than usual.  

    And yesterday began beautifully... 

    Sunrise.  For all kinds of reasons, the family celebration will be on Sunday, so at sunrise I headed to the ferry.

    Stepping onto the boat, stopping to snap this photo of the city, a ferry worker shouted at me to not stop there, to move to the other side.  I wanted to shout back at her, "Why are you yelling at me?!  It's 7:30 in the morning and it's my birthday!"  I just apologized and moved on.  She was just doing her job.

    The day was spent stitching and talking with my friend in her sweet little house again,

    Beside the bluebird figurine and watching the sparrows, chickadees and crows outside,  

    In a red velvet chair.

    Returning home last night there were surprises waiting in the mailbox.  Nancy kindly and thoughtfully sent a book who's title has often called to me, and now I'll finally be able to read.  The rope is from my brother.  Take note of the two ends, they were done by Dad.  

    A kind of knotting-weaving that secures the ends from fraying, and can create a strong loop.  I didn't know about this until my brother mentioned it in a conversation after Dad died.  I was fascinated, by the skill and the way it wove into Dad's story...  How in In the early years of Mom and Dad's marriage, with a new baby (me) and struggling to make ends meet... Dad would go down to the docks on the weekends to fish, and offer his knot making skills to other fishermen.  I can imagine him sitting there with his line in the river, while turning ropes into new tools and a few dollars.

    So things shifted this year.  Some anger and sadness set-aside, a few holes filled in with a little more forgiveness, understanding and story.  

    I'm so glad to have this, to be able to hold it and think of Dad making useful and beautiful things with his hands.

Quick catch-up & a deep Thank You

"Moonset"

    The edge of a napkin dyed by Deb made for a fabulous wave (& her purple cloth, too).

    So many nightmares- dead bodies, assaults, old jobs.

    Things are busy, mostly in my head, and computer time is more limited these days.  It seems that by the time K. is finished with it, it's too late for my eyes and brain.

    Working on Cameron's block.  This was hard to make- not my comfort zone in stitching, or the racism behind the symbol.  I sent Blue this photo saying that my making this was proof that the world's gone off kilter.  "Racist and sports?!"  He agreed.  But the Kansas City Chiefs were his favorite team.  There is a video of him having a great time at a game two days before he was killed.

    Moon was impressed that he actually recognized it, "You made these?!  Good job!"   Cameron was also known as a Chevy man.  I'm really looking forward to getting to the star stitching.

    The boys have had some growing pains this week.

    This little house in progress is love- in home, velvet and raw ragged stitching... started after talking to Blue yesterday.  After he said that he wanted to come home.  After I exclaimed, "Yes!  Just get on a plane, we'll figure the virus stuff out, just come home!"  Just wanting to wrap my arms around him.  And then sense kicked in (for him first). 

    While they grapple with big things and emotions, it's hard to remember that they're almost grown, 18 and 22, and there's not much we really can/should do except listen, and remind them that we're here and on their side.  I guess that I've had some growing pains, too.

    A couple of days ago it was this blog's ten year anniversary.  It was started with a wanting to be a part of Jude's Patchwork Beast workshop circle.  It's been a doorway to connection- with the circle, my making, and mostly myself.  Thank you for coming along on the journey.

Thirty-seven

    How I busied myself during an online meeting yesterday... and without any planning or counting at all, I think there are 37 loops here.

    And today is our 37th anniversary!  Back then, I never imagined being on this earth this long, let alone having such a good guy to be here with.  A sky full of lucky stars twinkles over us.

    There's a walk in the woods being thought about for this afternoon, and maybe some talk about which stars to follow next...

Holding

    This is an illustration by A. Scott Banfill from the picture book Whisper from the Woods written by Victoria Wirth.  It tells the story of the cycle of life of trees, how the forest tends and cares for each other.

    "In winter, asleep they'd stand, hand reached hand, roots gently touched underground."

    This book has been in my thoughts while stitching trees lately, especially this latest piece.  Since hearing about Michelle, even more.  Thinking about this community- how we enrich, tend and care for each other, how we hold each other, even though most of us have never met.  What this circle means... it changed my life...there aren't deep enough words.

    Holding love for Michelle's light and spirit, and for all of you.

Enough for now

    A few weeks ago, a friend shared something hard that is going on in her life.  This piece was started that afternoon.  The words "knowing" and "believing" went through my thoughts.  Knowing and believing that she will be ok, and wishing for her to know the same.  "You are a phoenix," I tell her.

    I say good things and really wrong things, and ask her to know that they all come from the same place of loving her.

    There was a struggle with this cloth, so many stitches were not right and pulled out.  I wanted it to be a beautiful glorious rising.  The threads, cloth, skill couldn't hold enough of what I wanted to say.  Sometimes there is no right, and all you can do is be there... and love.

    "Knowing & Believing... She Rose"

today

    "Moons of Happiness" Summer 2002, for my baby Moon.

    Today is his eighteenth birthday.  He's at a park this afternoon with his girlfriend and a couple of friends, just as he should be.  Although, there are masks and social distancing happening.  All he wants for his birthday is a hug from her (and a car), neither are likely to happen, poor guy.

    He was my Moominbaby.  We took him outside to see the moon the night he was born.

    These eyes, from the first moment.  He was born in a birthing tub, I meant to get out, but he came too fast.  I pulled him up to me, and he looked at me with them, and I knew he was intensely Himself, and a gift.

    I was right, about both things, and still, these eyes.

just when you think you've got nothing...

    A new place to wander.  Summer's indigo scraps and a ThreadCrumb moon (about 13 x 13").

    There's been a lot of forehead furrowing by K. and I about Moon's future plans.  K. keeps telling me to not say anything, that it will push his heels deeper in, but I can't seem to help myself.  So, the other night, jokingly, I suggested a different idea.  When he didn't react, I stepped out onto the ice, slowly and carefully saying some of the reasons why I want this to happen for him.  He seemed to be listening, so, bravely (or foolishly), I kept going... 

    "I just want the world for you..."

    Finally, I stopped, held my breath and hope that I hadn't cemented the deal for his original plans, and turned to busy myself with making dinner.

    And then...

    "Mom, I love you, too." 

    I managed to keep the happy cry in in until he left the room.

    And, he's looking into and considering our idea.

a blur of Joy

    The wedding was in beautiful Whistler, BC.

    Everything sparkled.

    And twinkled.

    And glittered.

    Young and old danced and sang until midnight.

    Including Moon and me!  I hadn't danced in years and years...  It was a perfect party. 

    I loved every minute of it-  all of the details from tying ribbons around the bouquet to into her hair, cutting fleecy "snow" for the stumps we attendants sat on, convincing the bartender that even though they only ordered wine, "surely" there was a bottle of bubbly somewhere for the happy couple (there was!), talking with strangers (who felt like family), the ceremony, dinner, dancing, watching everyone be so very happy (the couple, Moon (who charmed all of the girls, from five to thirteen), everyone) ...All of it.  I couldn't stop smiling.

    Before falling to sleep, I wrote "Joy, pure joy!"

    We came home Sunday night, and I slept for eleven hours, and then yesterday, began really stitching again, all day long.

    I'm back, and feeling better than I have in months.

happy stories

    Quilting of my "Story" blanket has begun.  The first real stitching in a couple of weeks.  I feel rusty, out of practice.  There is no plan, just taking the needle wherever it wants to go in the moment.  Finding rhythm again.  

    I don't want to, and/or shouldn't, think or write about the things that have been going on here.

    Instead, a story...

    A few summers ago, hanging out with a dearest friend.  She was wondering about her future, wanting to have a partner in her life, "I don't want to get married again, but I look around and wonder where my people are?" 

    She wondered if Mr. X was it?  NO.  We agreed he was fun, but definitely not Big Picture material.  Maybe Mr. Z was as good as it was going to get?  "No," I said, "He's a good guy, reasonable, as close as you've come, but not IT."

    Suddenly, in my mind, I saw Him...  Sometimes, I sense things- think or dream of someone and they call, wonder about something and it's in the news the next day... that sort of thing.  There have been a couple of times when I've freaked folks out with my knowing, and my guys all roll their eyes about it, but don't deny it's true anymore.  But this was different, not a feeling, or a dream, it was a knowing.

    His back was to me, looking out of the window of their condo at the lights of the city.  It was the clearest, most certain vision I've ever had.

    "He's coming.  He's going to be older than you.  He won't work with you, but he'll be in the same field, so he'll understand the passion you have for your job.  He'll have been in a long term relationship, so he'll know how to be in one again.  There will be kids, but grown, so you'll have the grandparent experience.  He's coming."

    A month later, she started getting to know a man from work.  He was in a different department, and some years older than her.  His wife of many years had just died the year before, and he had three grown children.

    After a few interactions and weeks, her feelings were clearly growing.  "I think this is him," I told her.

    A month later, she said, "I think I love him!"

    "I know, and you're going to marry him."

    They've moved into a condo looking towards the lights of the city, and the wedding is in a few weeks.  

    Last night, K. and I joined them for dinner.  For the first time, it was with his kids and their significant others.  Seeing her so happy, belonging with him, surrounded by her people, was joyful.

    For the first time, in a long while, I went to bed smiling, feeling filled with happiness.  Something had lightened, and hopefully, it will continue to lift and float away...