handstories

Freedom.

    The square for Social Justice Sewing Academy has journeyed back to the organization.  Before it left, there were a few changes and additions.  The lips just weren't right, and I couldn't get them there, so out they came.  In the end, I think the square is stronger without them.

    Wanting each half to stand alone and to be connected with the other,  there is a ghost of the missing  "free" and "dom" on either half of the square.

    This square was a challenge, came at a challenging time, and it was a gift.  It brought focus to some control issues (how I desperately want to get things right, especially when it's for someone else), and it forced me to let some of them go (at least for this moment), because there was no way to know the mind of the maker, and there was a deadline. 

    I've signed up for another one.  You can, too... Here.

a blur of Joy

    The wedding was in beautiful Whistler, BC.

    Everything sparkled.

    And twinkled.

    And glittered.

    Young and old danced and sang until midnight.

    Including Moon and me!  I hadn't danced in years and years...  It was a perfect party. 

    I loved every minute of it-  all of the details from tying ribbons around the bouquet to into her hair, cutting fleecy "snow" for the stumps we attendants sat on, convincing the bartender that even though they only ordered wine, "surely" there was a bottle of bubbly somewhere for the happy couple (there was!), talking with strangers (who felt like family), the ceremony, dinner, dancing, watching everyone be so very happy (the couple, Moon (who charmed all of the girls, from five to thirteen), everyone) ...All of it.  I couldn't stop smiling.

    Before falling to sleep, I wrote "Joy, pure joy!"

    We came home Sunday night, and I slept for eleven hours, and then yesterday, began really stitching again, all day long.

    I'm back, and feeling better than I have in months.

Looking

*** Depression (noun)

a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

sadness; gloom; dejection.

Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

 

 

*** Peer (verb)

to look narrowly or searchingly, as in the effort to discern clearly.

to peep out or appear slightly.

to come into view.

    Noticing the differences and connections between the noun and verb above, and thinking about "choice" and "choosing" (another noun and verb), and the power that they hold.

(***https://www.dictionary.com/)

glimmers of light

    A friend sent an email asking how things were going?

    "Depression is a bitch," I wrote.

    It's been a long long time since depression and I have hung out together, and it creeped in so quietly, that I didn't recognize its presence for a while.  In the past, it was a comfortable companion...something to slip inside of, and let everything else slide away from. 

    This time is different, it isn't an ally, and I'm trying to fight this go-a-round.  Treading water to stay afloat some days and looking for islands to swim towards, and rest in, when I can.

    The friend wrote back with, "Make depressed cloth, anything."

    I had been working on the Story blanket this week.  Not feeling creative or up to decision making, I had switched to stitching long lines.  Long mindless lines.  I wondered if this was a depressed cloth?  I don't think so.  It's a just-keep-going cloth.

    And today there were stars.

tangled up in freedom

    This is the square that came from the Social Justice Sewing Academy @sjsacademy.  It is an organization dedicated to empowering young artists.

    "A youth education program that bridges artistic expression with activism to advocate for social justice. Through a series of hands-on workshops in schools, prisons & community centers across the country, SJSA empowers youth to use textile art as a vehicle for personal transformation & community cohesion and become agents of social change. Many of our young artists make art that explores issues such as gender discrimination, mass incarceration, gun violence & gentrification. The powerful imagery they create in cloth tells their stories, & these quilt blocks are then sent to volunteers around the world to embellish & embroider before being sewn together into quilts to be displayed in museums, galleries and quilt shows across the country. This visual dialogue bridges differences in race, age & socioeconomics & sparks conversations & action in households across the country."

    Click HERE to listen to an interview with the rock star young woman who founded the organization and one of the students.

    I had thought this would be an easy thing to do, the kind of thing I've done with hundreds of students over the years.

    The first step was to secure the edges of the pieces, easy enough.  But then, what?  This square came with no instructions from the artist.  Not knowing them, or their intentions has thrown me.  At school, I was able to have conversations with the students- hear their thoughts, have them pick colors, etc. 

    Wanting to respect and keep with the artist's vision, I emailed the organization, and was told to feel free to do whatever I thought.  My thoughts were panicked.

    "What if I get it wrong?  What if they don't recognize their own creation?  What if I'm somehow silencing or not seeing their truth?"

        I think too much, I know...holding my breath and hope, and continuing on...

happy stories

    Quilting of my "Story" blanket has begun.  The first real stitching in a couple of weeks.  I feel rusty, out of practice.  There is no plan, just taking the needle wherever it wants to go in the moment.  Finding rhythm again.  

    I don't want to, and/or shouldn't, think or write about the things that have been going on here.

    Instead, a story...

    A few summers ago, hanging out with a dearest friend.  She was wondering about her future, wanting to have a partner in her life, "I don't want to get married again, but I look around and wonder where my people are?" 

    She wondered if Mr. X was it?  NO.  We agreed he was fun, but definitely not Big Picture material.  Maybe Mr. Z was as good as it was going to get?  "No," I said, "He's a good guy, reasonable, as close as you've come, but not IT."

    Suddenly, in my mind, I saw Him...  Sometimes, I sense things- think or dream of someone and they call, wonder about something and it's in the news the next day... that sort of thing.  There have been a couple of times when I've freaked folks out with my knowing, and my guys all roll their eyes about it, but don't deny it's true anymore.  But this was different, not a feeling, or a dream, it was a knowing.

    His back was to me, looking out of the window of their condo at the lights of the city.  It was the clearest, most certain vision I've ever had.

    "He's coming.  He's going to be older than you.  He won't work with you, but he'll be in the same field, so he'll understand the passion you have for your job.  He'll have been in a long term relationship, so he'll know how to be in one again.  There will be kids, but grown, so you'll have the grandparent experience.  He's coming."

    A month later, she started getting to know a man from work.  He was in a different department, and some years older than her.  His wife of many years had just died the year before, and he had three grown children.

    After a few interactions and weeks, her feelings were clearly growing.  "I think this is him," I told her.

    A month later, she said, "I think I love him!"

    "I know, and you're going to marry him."

    They've moved into a condo looking towards the lights of the city, and the wedding is in a few weeks.  

    Last night, K. and I joined them for dinner.  For the first time, it was with his kids and their significant others.  Seeing her so happy, belonging with him, surrounded by her people, was joyful.

    For the first time, in a long while, I went to bed smiling, feeling filled with happiness.  Something had lightened, and hopefully, it will continue to lift and float away...