Much and nothing have been going on this last week. The muchness is full of family and feelings, while the nothingness is showing itself as piles, and rearranged piles, of blue fabric.
Blue wants a dark blue blanket, no designs, nothing. I've dipped this piece of cloth many times. It is as blue as it's going to get. It seems I've killed the indigo bucket.
Honestly, this parenting thing . . . I think that many of you think I am a cozy, mushy, cookie-baking mama. My boys would be quick to roll their eyes and let you know the truth. Last night- Moon stormed upstairs shouting at me that he didn't know why he would ever want to be a part of a family that I was in? Later, Blue let me know that I have hindered his social life with all of my worrying and anxiety.
So, after going to the kitchen to regroup, where K. kindly offered a hug, which I refused, because I am not a cozy, mushy, cookie-baking spouse, either (but he is), I went back in to talk with Blue. For the first time, I shared a little of my childhood, just the surface of it. (Are you supposed to tell your children your story? Even if it's not a picture book tale?) I told him that I have no idea how to do this, that I'm making it up as I go, and I'm sorry for when I get it wrong.
The evening ended ok, with Blue joking that the family was on an "upward trajectory" and offering me tips on how to relax. When I went up to check on Moon, he had fallen asleep with his clothes still on. While I tucked him in, he said, "We're all going through a lot of things." When I asked him about it today, he said he didn't remember saying that, but it might have something to do with the dream he was having, adding, "It was the best dream of my life!"
