Sometimes I feel like I just hate people. But I don’t. I just don’t understand how to be with most of them, especially when they are in groups.
I decided to try a meeting of a local sewing group. The therapist was pleased. My outgoing dearest friend was glad. They were both encouraged and encouraging that I was stepping out of my comfort zone. (It had only taken years since I’d first heard about the group.)
I went and sat in the back row of more than fifty people. They seemed like a happy and friendly group with each other. The meeting began. I stood up to be introduced with a few other visitors. I noticed that I was the only visitor that had not come with a member. It was pretty clear from the get-go that it wasn’t my kind of stitching, but still, maybe there would be connection over the joy of being with cloth.
And then came the break. Small groups gathered to snack, mingle, share. I sat there in the back row, between empty chairs. I looked down, saw that my arms and legs were crossed. Not an open friendly body language pose. I rearranged. I smiled. Maybe it looked like I was going to throw up, but I was trying to smile. I sat there trying to think of how to open a conversation. Would “Hi, I’m an introvert, please help me.” work?
After fifteen minutes, nothing. I stood up and moved near a group. Nothing. I went back to my chair. Five more minutes. Maybe coming uninvited, without a member was taboo? Maybe there was a secret handshake or password I was missing?
The usual self-talk began . . .
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I want to leave.”
“You can’t leave, that would be rude. You will hurt their feelings. What will people think? There is only an hour to go. This break will end, all you have to do is sit here and watch and listen. You’re not going to die from this. Buck up!”
And then I did something new. I talked back.
“THEY are being rude. MY feelings are hurt. They are NOT thinking about me. This is NOT working for me. I will never see them again. (And if I do, they clearly won't be talking to me.) These are NOT my people. I do NOT need to do this for one more minute, let alone another hour, and I CAN leave.”
And I did. And I said mostly kind things to myself all the way home.
It was not a social break-through, but it was a small personal one.
Hello, I am an introvert, and I am learning to take care of me, nice to meet you.
